Content-Type: text/shitpost

So I was invited to fill out a form asking about my customer service experience, and since it wasn't good, I went to fill in the form. There are several thing about the design of these surveys that always perplex me.

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• They always ask something like “how likely would you be to recommend Wells Fargo to a friend?”

  “Hey, Joe, how ya doing?”

  “Hi, Chris! I'm pretty well, I'm reading this neat book called All the Birds in the Sky, you should check it out. How about you?”

  “That is good to hear Joe! Lately I am really enjoying banking with Wells Fargo! Give them a try next time you need a national provider of licensed financial services! I assure you this endorsement is from a real human being who is not in any way a remote-controlled cyborg covered in living human tissue!”

  The only thing worse than this question is that they sometimes ask a followup: “Why did you say you would not be likely to recommend Wells Fargo?” Well, Joe, it is because I am not a remote-controlled cyborg, etc.

  Who even designs these surveys? If they are not some sort of artifical lifeform, possibly one wearing a human skin, then perhaps they are someone who went to university and spent four years studying the properties of human interactions without ever actually having one.

• Usually, the survey requires that one answer all the questions. If they ask an irrelevant question, you have no option to skip it. Attempting to leave it blank just presents the form again, with an angry red message. How dare you leave one of our questions blank! You are required to tick every box, whether or not you intend a speech act by doing so.

  You'd think that they might at least include a not applicable response. Nope. Better a random result than no result at all!

• Then similarly there is no way to skip a question that is so packed with artifical lifeform gobbledygook that you cannot understand what it means.

I am in a bad mood today. This morning I spent ten minutes along in the kitchen monologuing about what a great idea it had been for us to invade Afghanistan, because every country knows that when your country is feeling a little down it can get an easy win and a little quick cash from stopping in at Afghanistan. Hey, it worked for the Russians!